Smile: The Confusion
by lunartick
Summary: Oneshot. Basically my take on what could happen should Sakamoto Ryoma and Kichisaburo bump into each other. RandR!


The fourth installment in the Smile series.

Given how 'friendly' Okita and Ryoma are with each other, I'm surprised there are almost no fics on what could have happened should Ryoma and everyone's favourite look-alike, Kichisaburo bump into each other. (Sniggers). Admittedly not the most original of ideas, but I couldn't quite resist the temptation to scribble all this down. After all, the existence of look-alikes provide great potential for humour...

Warning: Kichisaburo (which explains everything, in my humble opinion)

By the way, PMK does not belong to me, but you can still leave a nice review for me.

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**Smile: The Confusion**

The Shinsengumi Headquarters, home to a group of men dedicated to the Bakufu and the safety of Kyoto, capital of Japan. It was a rather large building, set inconspicuously in the middle of nowhere, and could have been overlooked as an ordinary place were it not for the two uniformed men standing guard outside.

Sakamoto Ryoma yawned, stretching his arms as he observed the front door of the Miburo HQ from where he was. The last time he had sneaked in, he had almost been cleaved into half by a certain Shinsengumi captain; not an experience he wished to re-live. However, he really wanted to recruit Tatsunosuke and Tetsunosuke, sons of the famous Peacemaker. If they were in his navy…

"Onwards charge!"

Ryoma winced as the ground started to shake under thundering footsteps and bellowing voices as the Tenth Unit emerged from the front door with their captain, Harada Sanosuke in the lead.

"Come on!" Sano roared, causing Ryoma to cover his ears, "Don't let the Second Unit beat us to it!"

From behind, came the squeaky, rather obnoxious voice of the Second Unit Captain, Nagakura Shinpachi shrieking, "Sano, get your big ass out of the way! You're blocking my men from leaving the headquarters!"

Sano roared with laughter. "That's what you get for being slow!" he hollered. "Last unit to the site does all the laundry for the week, remember?"

"Sano!" Shinpachi screeched, jumping up and down frantically. "Foul! You freaking cheater!"

"If you didn't want to be fouled at, you should have dressed faster!"

"You _hid_ my uniform, Harada Sanosuke! I'm going to kill you for this!"

"That's if you can catch me first!"

Ryoma watched in amusement as the Second Unit finally made it to the streets and started an onwards race with the Tenth unit. So Okita Souji wasn't the only fast captain in the Shinsengumi, he noted as the two captains slowly drew ahead of their struggling units; that was good to know – before he had to actually outrun them.

"Ah, such talent!" he gushed, grinning widely. "The Shinsengumi is definitely a hot spot for wonderful, wonderful talent!"

He peered around the corner and into the Shinsengumi. Apparently, the antics of the Second and Tenth Units had created quite a stir in the compound; it was now too messy to risk entering the place.

"Ah well…" he said, shrugging helplessly, "I can always go grab some tea then come back later."

Breaking out into the whistle of his favourite national anthem, he turned and ambled off in the general direction of his choice tea-house.

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Kichisaburo crawled out of his futon and blinked at the light. Much to his irritation, the day was still far from over i.e. he didn't have to wake up just yet. Grumbling, he pulled himself up, aware that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

He reached for a comb and ran it quickly through his deep purple hair.

"Kichi?" The door slid open and a head peeked around apprehensively.

"What?" Kichisaburo growled.

"Ah… you're awake, that's good," the voice said nervously, "eh… there's a customer asking for you…"

"At this time of the day?" Kichi snorted. "What kind of customer is it?"

"Eh… the kind that requires a room and a bed."

"I'm unavailable."

"But…"

Scowling, Kichisaburo flung the comb at the door. "I said I'm unavailable!" he shouted. "Now get out of my room!"

The head squawked as the comb made a satisfying thud against it, before disappearing quickly.

Slowly, Kichisaburo climbed to his feet. Today, he didn't feel up to entertaining any customers, nor did he feel capable of killing anyone without getting scarred. He would just have to go and indulge in his other hobbies.

After all, even one as blood-thirsty as himself liked to drink tea once in a while.

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"Ah, thank you!" Ryoma chirped as the tea-lady put the cup in front of him, forgetting himself by using English.

The tea-lady gave him a rather odd look before bowing and walking away. Ryoma shrugged and sipped his tea. "Got to make sure English is introduced into our system," he mused, "Sick of everyone saying they don't understand what _I'm_ saying. Even Oki says that, and Oki's such a polite guy." He rotated his wrist, still sore from his previous encounter with said captain.

"Your dumplings, sir," the lady said, returning with another tray.

"Oh, thank you," Ryoma said, making sure he spoke in Japanese this time.

The lady gave him a smile before walking away.

Ryoma grinned. Been a while since he saw a lady that pretty… damn!

He lowered his hat to hide his face as a very familiar figure entered the restaurant and sat down at the booth just opposite his.

"Tea," said the voice of one Okita Souji, "and dumplings."

Ryoma risked a look at the slim, pale figure and gulped. Horrors of all horrors, even though obviously off-duty, Okita Souji was still carrying a sword. And, he wouldn't be able to risk walking out without the young man noticing him.

Ah well, since he couldn't well sneak out, he might as well go have a civil conversation with the man.

Well, what did you expect? He was Sakamoto Ryoma after all; unorthodox was his forte.

"Oki!" he cried, rushing over and leaping into the booth. "How I missed you, you cute little thing!" He grabbed his gun and raised it, ready to deflect the customary blow to the head – then blinked, when it didn't come.

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Kichisaburo looked up from the table and focused his eyes on the weird, dark-skinned man sitting across him who was grinning widely with a gun in his hand. He stared in confusion at the man, who returned his stare with a similar expression.

"Oki?" the man asked. "Something wrong?"

"Oki?"

The man laughed. "Oops, don't like my nickname for you huh?" he said, lowering his gun. "Aw, come on! It's cute, right?"

"Cute?"

"Yeah, what's up?" the man went on, "How's Iron Boy and Dragon Boy?"

"Iron Boy? Dragon Boy?" Kichisaburo wracked him brain, trying to remember if any of the guys at his work place had ridiculous names like that.

"Oops, sorry, kiddo," the man said, winking, "you know them as Tetsu and Tatsu, right?"

Kichisaburo scowled. This man was either a wacko, or trying to pick him up; probably the later, given that this man had just called him "you cute little thing".

"I'm not interested," he snapped, returning his attention to the table.

"Not interested?" the man gasped. "I thought you _liked_ Tetsu."

Kichisaburo rolled his eyes. Despite the place he worked at, he had never been exceptionally fond of men. This guy was so obviously trying to insinuate that Kichisaburo liked men.

"Look, I'm not interested," he snapped, feeling his temper rise, "just go away. I'm not working now."

"I can tell you're not working now," the man went on, looking amused, "you're not in uniform."

Uniform? Kichisaburo frowned as he tried to make sense of what the man was saying. He hoped the man wasn't referring to the disgusting costume last night's customer had made him wear.

"Hey, hey, hey!"

Kichisaburo jerked back as the man suddenly started waving in front of his face. "Anyone home, Okita Souji?" the man called, laughing hysterically.

Okita Souji? The young man tilted his head confusedly. "I'm not Okita Souji," he said, "you've got the wrong person."

"Oh, I see," the man went on, grinning conspiratorially, "Don't want anyone here to know who you are, huh? I know you go by Soujirou with those kids at the temple."

At that, Kichisaburo bristled. Was this man now trying to insinuate that he was interested in _children_? "Look," he snarled, "go bug someone else. I'm busy!"

Much to his annoyance, the man just laughed. "What? You aren't even going to try and arrest me?" he chuckled. "My, my, how different you are, on duty and off duty."

"Yes," Kichisaburo snapped, "and I'm currently _off_ _duty_, as you put it." He was quite disturbed by the fact that the man seemed aware that one customer had once requested Kichisaburo play a rather kinky game of "Kyoto patrol squad and Choshu rebel" with him. He was pretty certain that customer hadn't been the man in front of him.

"Oh come on!" the man protested, "Can't we play even while you're off duty? What's to stop you from going one-on-one with Sakamoto Ryoma?"

"No!"

"Why not? I feel in need of some exercise, but I'm the kind who doesn't like doing things all by myself."

Kichisaburo rolled his eyes. "I don't care what you do to yourself, how you do it, or who you do it with," he snarled, itching to go for his sword, "Just leave me alone."

"Whoa, whoa," the man, Ryoma said, laughing, "someone's in a bad mood today. Come on, Oki! Even if you don't want to play, can't we just sit here and talk?"

"No," Kichisaburo spat.

"Why not?"

"Because, I don't entertain men when I'm off-duty!"

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There was a long silence then Ryoma laughed (rather uncomfortably). "Ah, that's a good one, Oki," he said, trying to sound normal, "Eh… only when you put it that way, it sounds kind of odd. Or perhaps I've been away from Japan for too long…"

"What's so weird about that?" 'Okita' snorted. "I mean exactly what I meant. I don't entertain customers when I'm off-duty."

Ryoma scratched his head, puzzled. Then he hit it. Of course, Okita Souji being the innocent young man he is, didn't quite realize what people inferred when you say "entertain customers". What he probably meant was "arresting criminals" or "fighting people".

Grinning, now that the confusion was cleared, Ryoma went back to hyperactive-mode. "Ah, I see," he said, winking, "but wouldn't your boss get mad at you for not doing your duty even when it isn't necessary for you to do so?"

'Okita' scowled. "My boss has no power over me," he said sharply.

"No?" Ryoma questioned, smirking. "Come on, Oki! I know what an obedient kid you are!"

"Obedient?" 'Okita' grumbled. "My boss is a greedy wimp who chases skirts. I don't see why I have to listen to that guy at all."

Ryoma nodded sympathetically. He had heard that Hijikata Toshizou was quite the man with the ladies. Incidentally, said boss wasn't too concerned with unimportant things like the marital status of the woman he was wooing. "Ah," he said, "I know lots of those. We have to wash Japan of that filth."

'Okita' snorted again and Ryoma raised an eyebrow. What a weird habit for the normally polite and cheery man to develop.

"Whatever," 'Okita' said, "It'll take more than soap and water to do that. You'll probably need a huge fire to smoke out all those rodents."

At that, Ryoma did a double-take. Just earlier that day, the same words had come out of the mouth of a certain Choshu leader. He never expected Okita Souji would feel the same way as that man (who incidentally only looked out of tiny windows). "Come on," he said, laughing, "you don't mean that, kiddo."

"Of course not," 'Okita' replied, starting to look more and more at ease, "Too troublesome. Besides, I live in this city; wouldn't want to spend a couple of months breathing nothing but fumes." He laughed, and Ryoma laughed along albeit a little uneasily.

"I never knew you were such a joker, Oki," Ryoma chuckled.

"Joker?" 'Okita' seemed rather confused about the English word Ryoma had just used. Ah well… not like he wasn't used to it.

"Joker means like… someone who has a sense of humour and who makes jokes," Ryoma explained.

"Oh…" 'Okita' hesitated then asked, "Where did you learn that from?"

"America!" Ryoma gushed. "Though lots of countries use that term!" He whistled out a few bars of the Star Spangled Bangle. Much to his amusement, 'Okita' burst out laughing again.

"I see," 'Okita' said, smiling, "that's interesting."

Ryoma frowned. He didn't quite like the way 'Okita' was smiling, but he was rather glad he was getting along with the young man. He'd always been fond of the cheery, optimistic samurai. This was not a person who should stay in that group of blood-thirsty wolves. Why would this epitome of purity choose to stay with the Miburo rather than join the navy?

"Oki, you know that time when I asked…"

"I'm sorry sir, your tea and dumpling." Ryoma broke off as the lady came over and lay the food on the table.

"How much?" 'Okita' demanded, reaching for his pouch.

"Wait," Ryoma said, reaching out to stop 'Okita', "my treat."

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Kichisaburo eyed the man's coin pouch in surprise. He hadn't expected this weird, (probably) foreigner to have so much money. And while he was aware he was a favourite at where he worked, he hadn't really expected the man to offer to treat him.

Damn, he should have ordered something a little more expensive.

He sipped his tea, watching the man exchange a few words with the tea-lady. If it wasn't for the fact that the man was trying to extract sexual favours from him, he would have thought this Ryoma guy was actually interested in the tea-lady.

Actually, now that he had gotten to know the man, he wasn't quite so put off anymore. After all, this Ryoma guy was friendly and not too forward, quite likable, in fact, despite his weirdness and his tendency to talk about stuff Kichisaburo didn't understand.

And of course, he had a lot of lovable money as well.

Briefly, Kichisaburo wondered how much Ryoma would offer for a one night-stand. He sniffed. It had better be a good price or he was going off, regardless of how nice this man was.

"Hey, Oki!"

"Eh?"

Ryoma grinned at him. "Daydreaming again?" he asked, "Tsk tsk, bad habit, that."

"Mind your own business," Kichisaburo retorted, biting into a dumpling, "What I choose to do is none of your business."

"So," Ryoma went on, ignoring the obvious hostility, "when do you go on duty anyway? I'm so not used to you being all docile and stuff, sitting there and doing nothing."

"Evening," Kichisaburo replied, rolling his eyes. Honestly, how rough he got depended on how rough his customers wanted him to get. He eyed Ryoma critically. Based on his own professional opinion, he would have thought this Ryoma guy would prefer the docile, shy kind, but it looked like he was looking for a tumble on the wild side.

"Hey, that's like almost around now, isn't it?" Ryoma exclaimed.

"Yeah, yeah… Remind me, wouldn't you?"

"So," the dark-skinned man said, leaning forward and grinning, "do I need to wait for you to get back and change or are we going to start it right here right now. I see you've got your sword, and my gun is in top condition."

Kichisaburo almost choked on his tea. Geez, trust this man to sprout all kinds of sexual innuendos like that! What a bad pun; cliché and over-used. And why would he need to get change? This guy wasn't going to force him into some kind of weird costume… was he?

"Hey, hey," Ryoma called, waving his hands in front of Kichisaburo's face again, "I was looking for an answer, you know?"

"I don't need to change," Kichisaburo said with a sigh. The money was just too tempting to resist.

"Then we do it right here right now?" Ryoma actually leapt to his feet, grinning excitedly.

Kichisaburo shook his head in disgust. Right here right now, in public, and without discussing the fee too? Ah well… he could always kill the guy and take his money, but that would involve bringing him somewhere less conspicuous.

"Right here right now," he agreed, climbing to his feet. If it was a tumble on the wild side this man wanted, it was what he was going to get.

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"Cool!" Ryoma roared, leaping to his feet. This was more like it! Not many people knew it, but Sakamoto Ryoma only felt alive when he was running, _fleeing_ from the his enemies. "Come on, kiddo! Let's go at it!"

"In here?" 'Okita' questioned, raising an eyebrow elegantly.

Ryoma looked around sheepishly. "Yeah, it is kind of cramped," he observed. "But ah well, who cares!"

'Okita' grinned evilly at him then leapt forward. Ryoma reached for his gun immediately.

Much to his surprise, 'Okita' didn't got for his sword. Instead, 'Okita' threw his arms around him.

"Hey, hey, hey," Ryoma said, laughing, "didn't know you went for arm-to-arm combat, Oki!"

"Oh, you're funny," 'Okita' purred - then kissed Sakamoto Ryoma straight on the lips.

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Two seconds later found Kichisaburo sitting on the floor, blinking confusedly at the vanishing speck of dust known more commonly as Sakamoto Ryoma. What just happened? One moment that guy was all out seducing him then the moment he gives that guy what he wants, the guy takes off like he had a pack of wolves behind him!

His ego almost as bruised as his rump, Kichisaburo climbed to his feet and dusted himself down, scowling angrily. What a total wacko! Did he actually think that guy was nice? Oops, sorry, but he was taking it all back. That guy was a total asshole.

"What're you staring at?" he snarled, sending the tea-lady scrambling away in fright.

A small black pouch on the table caught his eye.

Smirking, he swiped up the pouch and claimed it for his own. At least this humiliation hadn't been in vain.

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Okita Souji strolled down the darkened streets, his men just behind him. "Keep your eyes open," he ordered, "Kyoto's streets are crawling with criminals and lunatics tonight."

"Yes sir!"

The young captain adjusted his headband and sighed. Tonight was a cold night and he wasn't feeling too good. He's coughing had gotten worse lately, not that he was letting anyone know.

"Okita-san!"

"What is it?"

"Look!"

Okita followed the finger down the road confusedly. There was nothing… oh wait, there was something coming along down the road. It looked a big ball of dust, but Okita couldn't quite remember seeing dust acting like that all on its own before.

The answer became clear however, when the big ball of dust got closer.

"Ryoma-san!" Okita called cheerfully, his hand already going for his sword. "What a coincidence, ne? Sorry, but I'm on duty right now!"

The ball of dust named Sakamoto Ryoma stopped and stared at Okita Souji with big, round eyes. "You… you…" he whispered, pointing a trembling captain at the surprised captain.

"Yes, it's me," Okita said, grinning happily, "Okita Souji! You do remember me, don't you? Still scouting talent, I see! Well, you can do so from behind the bars of the Shinsengumi prison."

"Don't come near me!" Ryoma shrieked, one hand over his face, and the other held out as if to fend off an attack, "You… you… you…"

Okita and his squad blinked confusedly as the ball of dust did a hundred and eighty degree turn before vanishing into the darkness, screaming hysterically.

"Ryoma-san?" Okita questioned, puzzled.

Faintly, he heard a voice scream, "Stay away!" before degenerating into non-verbal shrieks of terror.

The men of the first squad looked at each other.

"Exactly what just happened, Okita-san?" one of the men asked.

Okita scratched his head then shrugged. "I wouldn't know," he replied, "but all we can conclude is that Sakamoto Ryoma is a… very odd person."

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Well? Love it, hate it? You could leave a review and tell me all about it.


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